U.S. Declares War On Mother Nature

WASHINGTON DC - In a last minute press conference called late last night, President Obama confirmed rumored reports of a U.S. led military operation against Mother Nature, one of the countries oldest and most unforgiving enemies.

The declaration of war, decided upon after nearly 25 minutes of Congressional debate, was seen as a democratic response to the nation's growing concern for something to be done about "all the shit that's been going on."

"The attack of Hurricane Katrina was one of the deadliest and certainly the most audacious attack carried out on this country's home soil,” said Mr. Obama in the speech. “It would be utterly reckless of us to sit around and wait for another Mt. St. Helena-type attack to strike this country again."

When asked at the press conference how the U.S. planned to combat such an ambiguous opponent as Mother Nature, the President responded that this country had "fought in vaguer battles before."

"We have been involved in a 'war on terror' for the past decade,” said Mr. Obama. “Essentially, we've taken up arms against an idea; a concept. To defeat Mother Nature in a battle is a much more tangible aspiration."

The press conference, held amid another sweltering summer night in the Capital, was called in reaction to a growing distrust over the global climate, as well a "national boredom" with the current U.S - Afghanistan war.

"For years America has been fighting a war so uneventful, so disinteresting, that it would be a miracle if a "Blackhawk Down" type film was able to spawn from it, let alone a "Saving Private Ryan" type film," said the President.

When asked to elaborate further on his statement, Mr. Obama simply replied, "Saving Private Ryan was awesome."

The plainly clad president, who delivered the speech in an outfit with more "breathability" due to the heat, denounced Mother Nature for the incalculable number of attacks on the planet over the past 3 to 4 billion years.

"As far back as history reaches, Mother Nature has always been there, wielding her wicked wrath in the form of volcanoes, tornados, hurricanes, earthquakes and oil spills,” said Mr. Obama. “We cannot lose sight that the spill in the Gulf was not an accident, but a planned attack carried out by Mother Nature as she shifted her tectonic plates where we were drilling, causing an explosion on the innocent and unexpected Deepwater Horizon oil rig.”

The speech directly called for both parties of Congress, which had been mired in political debate over the true state of the global climate, to come together at a time when the nation “needs us most”.

"For years we've had radical climate crusaders spewing water cooler hear-say about some impending threat of a 'rapidly warming climate'. And for years this government has been steadfast in its duty to ignore such extremists,” House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) said after the press conference. “But we know we can come together in unity to fight for a cause that we can all agree is the right one; another war."

The Congressional meeting drew to a close just under the half hour mark, mostly due to the Statehouse's ongoing problem with its central air conditioning this summer.

After the meeting, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi confided that the decision was not an easy one to make, but was absolutely necessary for the country. “It is hard to disregard more than 4.5 billion years of various chemical reactions, stratospheric phenomenon’s and complex weather systems that have composed the planet we live on today,” said Pelosi. “But when I have to come to work in a pant suit everyday in a 200 year old building with faulty air conditioning, then something has to be done."

Pelosi also confided that if the meeting had taken another ten minutes, it would have been moved to Trent Lott’s backyard pool where “nothing gets done but cocaine”.

Man Finds Set Of Keys

FLAGSTAFF - A man found his set of keys, which had been "lost" for nearly 15 minutes, in the back right pocket of his Levi jeans yesterday afternoon at a local McDonalds.

David Ginter, an IT supervisor, had misplaced his keys on his lunch break and “for the life of him” could not remember where he had last seen them.

"I knew I had brought them with me to lunch, because I drove,” said Ginter, 34. “But when I couldn't find them a million things started running through my head. Did I throw them out with my lunch tray? Did someone pick them up off my table when I was re-filling my Hi-C at the soda fountain? It could have been anything.”

The set of keys, consisting of two house keys, a car key, an office key and an Arizona Cardinals “Go Birds!” key chain, was discovered when one of the workers at the restaurant, Emanuel Rodriguez 19, heard a “jingling” in Ginter’s step.

“He had the whole restaurant looking for his keys,” explained an annoyed Rodriguez. “My manager must have asked him if he checked his pockets five times, but [Ginter] kept saying stuff like, ‘Of course I checked my pockets’ and ‘I’m not dumb, that’s the first place I looked’.

Ginter left the restaurant smiling, telling reporters “I can’t wait to tell the guys at work this one. Classic Ginter.”

Rodriguez and two other employee’s spent the rest of their shifts picking up overturned garbage cans and tables left in the wake of Ginter’s search.

Newark Woman Grieves After Not Receiving Casey Anthony Attention

NEWARK - The tears rolled down Trashae Brown’s face as the “not guilty” verdict was read by a jury of her peers in a near-empty Newark courtroom late Tuesday afternoon.

Brown’s tears, however, were not a product of the dramatically delivered innocent verdict, but a devastated response to the lack of national media attention surrounding the trial.

Brown, who was charged with the brutal murder of her one-year old baby, Yennifer, was devastated to find out that no major news stations were airing her trial and that she had not become a national talking-point over night.

“It’s just so emotionally draining to go ahead and plan your baby’s murder, carry it out, get arrested, stand trial, and walk away innocent just to find out that no one was even paying attention in the first place,” said a somber Brown.

Brown said she conceived the idea to murder her only child in an attempt to become famous long before “that white bitch” Casey Anthony went to trial. She partially blames her race and place of residence as the reasons for her “shortcomings.”

“I had two girlfriends who killed their babies in broad daylight and got away with it, but I bet you don’t know their names either,” said Brown. “I thought I could learn from their mistakes and do things the right way. Get on TV and all that. But I guess no one cares that you killed your baby if you’re a black woman living in the inner city,” she added.

The trial, which was nearly identical to Casey Anthony’s, was seen as a “failure” in the eyes of Brown for not garnering the same attention.

“I mean, when I murdered my baby I made sure I did it so flagrantly and amateurishly that when I was pronounced innocent there would be such an uproar from the millions of people watching that I would become an instant celebrity,“ said Brown. “It’s just sad to see that it didn’t work out that way. It’s almost like my baby died in vein.”

Brown, who says she plans to “give it another shot” sometime in the next few years, is already in talks with publishers Regan Books about a hypothetically confessional novel titled, “If I Do It Again: It Won’t Be In Newark.”